After a pretty satisfying brunch with my old friend CC, I had an extremely long day and night of marking essays and taking selfies. CH and I had a great time looking through essays and learning about the discourses of various items, as explained by first year students.
It was a very productive day and we ended up marking until 10.30pm but instead of boring you with the dilemma of “A- or B+”, I’d rather talk about the bus ride home. What I’m about to share with you is the tale of a young man who had the unfortunate experience of reaching the ‘no shits given’ level of inebriation at the exact moment he decided to call his companion on a very full midnight bus to the wops.
Let’s pretend other people aren’t here, even though they are sitting 5 cm away from us
It started off innocently enough. I was sitting at the very front, head resting against the cool glass of the bus window, watching the city lights slowly pass by while I listened to ‘Shadow Dancing’. I was deep in thought about its lyrics. Was it simply a song about backlit performance art or does it mean something more illicit?
All of a sudden, I heard a very loud, obnoxious voice cutting through my Andy Gibb haze.
“Hey baby, I miss you!!”
I rolled my eyes and increased the volume on my iPhone.
“N-no, no baby. I want to come over. Can I stay there tonight? Can I?” He paused briefly. “Why do we never have sex anymore?! I love you too much. Are you dating two people? Are you??? I am yelling on the bus right now, I love you so much.”
Always a sucker for a scandalous soap opera, I laugh-coughed and discreetly tapped the pause button on my music. Clearly, Andy Gibb was going to have to wait. Apparently I wasn’t alone in this sentiment. As the music died in my headphones, I realised that everyone else was already deeply engrossed in this episode of The Bold and the Bawdy.
The drunk guy then proceeded to describe in great detail, the specific activities he wanted to enjoy with his phone companion when he sees her later that evening. A middle-aged man sitting in the seat adjacent to mine (who had been shooting the drunk guy dirty looks for the last seven minutes) apparently had enough because the next time the bus stopped, he stood at the front of the bus and crossed his arms.
“Oy, you with the phone!” He pointed at the drunk guy. “You need to lock it down!”
The drunk guy laughed. “Baby, this old man just told me to keep it down because of you. Can’t wait to see you guuuurl…”
“No mate, you need to lock this right down. Now.”
All of a sudden the other bus passengers seemed to find their voices, telling the drunk guy to shut up and threatening to smash his phone. Totally unfazed, the drunk guy continued to talk to his phone friend until he got off at the next stop, presumably to continue getting off. I pressed play on my iPhone to go back to my music. I think it’s safe to say I now have a completely different understanding of ‘Shadow Dancing’.
Things I did instead of working:
- Ranted about the changes to Snapchat. No, I don’t want to text you. I don’t want to video-call you. That’s why I’m just sending you Snapchats!
- Wondered whatever happened to CCs, the chips. They were the absolute best things in primary, along with O-Rings (which is unfortunately a name that only reminds me of the Challenger disaster now). Are Doritos the new CCs?
- Laughed hysterically at Marxist puns
- Had a meaningful discussion regarding the toll of the academic environment on one’s mental wellbeing
Random ruined lyrics of the day:
Do it light, taking me through the night
Shadow dancing, baby you do it right
Give me more, drag me across the floor
Shadow dancing, all this and nothing more
– Andy Gibb